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Features Blog - thebroadroom.net: January 2006
The First Date Interview by Jillian Straus
posted by TheBroadroom.Net,
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
at 12:05 PM (Pacific)
Below is an article by Jillian Straus, author of the new book Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We're Still Single.
by Jillian Straus
 Those singles who can't stand ambiguity from the very beginning develop a more direct dating approach. Meet, for instance, Steven Kaplan -- as several of my girlfriends did. I was on yet another blind date -- my third in the last two weeks. Here we go again, I thought, as I walked out my front door, and waved to the night doorman, Stan. Stan was my friend, and he had watched me return home forlorn from every date in the last month, except for one night when he happened to catch the end of a good-night kiss -- albeit from a man who never called me again.
Like most of my friends, I had a careful semiotic clothing code that I had worked out for different kinds of dates. Tonight I was in full date battle mode: wearing my new fitted red V-neck sweater -- the effort was to be attractive but not too slutty -- paired with Diesel jeans, to give a "casual" impression. I had avoided my usual uniform of black cigarette pants, black top, and Gucci bag (on sale, but no one needed to know), because I did not want to convey that I was too high-maintenance. Hey, I am being honest here.
I was on my way to meet a friend-of-a-friend named Steven Kaplan. I didn't know much about him, except that he was supposedly a good-looking, thirty-six-year-old Jewish oncologist -- with a full head of hair. In my mother's mind, of course, he was already fully qualified, sight unseen, to be my husband; in mine, he sounded like he could go any number of ways, but it was at least worth meeting him for dinner on a Tuesday night in the West Village.
I arrived at a cozy, unpretentious restaurant, Gradisca, and looked for someone fitting his description: "I'll be wearing a green sweater and I have salt-and-pepper hair," he'd told me during our short phone conversation. The first person I saw was a man wearing a green shirt -- with the largest nose I had ever seen. As I walked toward this man with trepidation, trying to stay focused on the beauty of the soul, someone tapped me on the shoulder. "Hi, I'm Steven," this man said.
I breathed a sigh of relief. He fit the description, and was actually better looking than I had anticipated: 6'2", with thick, wavy salt-and-pepper hair and, thankfully, an entirely ordinary nose. We sat down right away. The restaurant was buzzing with beautiful people. We were seated at a quiet table in the corner, away from all the activity.
I was impressed by Steven's sophistication: he perused the wine list and selected a full-bodied red wine; it was delicious, and we lingered over the bottle for about twenty minutes before ordering dinner. By then, I had a nice buzz, and I was beginning to feel chemistry between us. Steven looked particularly handsome with the shadow of the candle flame flickering on his face, turning his eyes into deep reflective pools. Hmm, I thought . . . He asked the usual first-date icebreaker questions: "Where are you from?" "What do you do in your free time?"
Who in New York has free time, anyway? I thought vaguely, as I admired his deep voice and silky lips. I was wondering what it would be like to kiss him.
Before we'd had a chance to order, however, the scene shifted from Last Tango in Paris to Nine to Five. My date had started to put me through a job interview:
"Do you want to stay in the city for the next couple of years?"
"Why did your last relationship end?"
"How many kids do you want?"
I was floored. I was thinking what it would be like to make out with him, and he wanted to figure out where we were sending our kids to school! When the waitress came and rescued me from his relentless battery of suitability questions, I was thrilled. The romantic mood had been extinguished the moment he seemed to scan my resume for the position of Mrs. Kaplan.
He sensed my unease, politely walked me home, and gave me an obligatory kiss on the cheek.
I wasn't the only one of my circle, as it turned out, who'd had a date that ended up as a job interview. A few days later, I was having drinks with some girlfriends, and we were comparing our recent dates. I told them about Steven Kaplan. "He was really attractive and sophisticated, but he grilled me about my long-term life plan ten minutes into the date," I complained. Rory, thirty-four, a blunt casting agent with baby-blue saucer eyes, explained my baffling evening to me in her own terms. Her clinical analysis of the different stages in which people approach courtship helped me to understand why so few of these dates we were all going on seemed romantic in the slightest: "He's just trying to figure out what phase you are in. There is 'Phase One' and there is 'Phase Two' for people in the dating process," she said. "Phase One involves buying some nice clothes and looking after yourself -- for instance, taking care of your apartment, your job -- and having lots of sex. I did that until I was about thirty, and I loved it."
Rory continued, "Then there is Phase Two: This is when you want to put your money into building something for your future, you want to make your place a home in preparation for a partner and eventually a family, and most of all you want to share the life you've built with someone. For a woman in Phase Two, it can be challenging: you can try to put a Phase-One guy in a Phase-Two situation, but it rarely works," she explained. Of course, the same applied to women, she said. That was clearly part of the disconnect between Dr. Kaplan and myself. But Rory felt she was now too often on the Phase-Two side of the equation, waiting for a Phase-One man to commit, and she was tired of it. I knew all too well what she was talking about, since I had spent much of my dating years chasing non-committal men.
But the interrogation on the first date is not particularly romantic. Besides, this tendency of young people to be either partying wildly or on a manic Google-like search for "the one and only" complicates the hope of simply falling in love; if we did not assign ourselves these rigid life categories, we would perhaps be more open to being persuaded to move, by the connection with another person, from Phase One to Phase Two -- or even better, to simply want to be close to someone and intimate for its own sake, rather than for the fulfillment of an external timetable. But as long as we continue to approach our search for love this way, perhaps we'd be better off if we wore visible distinguishing signs: "NC" for non-committal or "R," for ready.
I never saw or spoke to Steven Kaplan after that. I heard he got engaged to someone six months later. I was not surprised. The first date interview was an obvious, but unsubtle, way to weed out those who were not in the same place in their lives. Many of the people I heard from talked about the tormenting challenge of trying to find someone with whom you "connect" -- that central word again -- who is "ready" for the same things you are. On the whole, more women than men whom I interviewed had this complaint, but there were plenty of men who were pining after women who were "not ready." The "readiness factor" was usually a sense of one's own place in one's life, rather than a reaction to the pull of the relationship itself. Steven Kaplan was ready, and he wasn't going to waste any time trying to figure out whether I really was -- or, for that matter, whom I really was.
On more than a dozen occasions, I had lent an ear to tortured friends who had waited and waited for a commitment, constantly hoping for clues, signs that their potential mate was coming around. I told the Steven Kaplan story to one of my ex-boyfriends, a semi-reformed non-committer who had broken my heart over ten years earlier. Years after the breakup, he had said, "Jillian, it wouldn't have mattered if you were Cindy Crawford -- I just wasn't ready." Here we were now, friends, and he explained my date with the doctor this way: Most guys don't necessarily end up with the woman they love the most. "It's like a game of musical chairs; you sit down in one chair, then you sit in another, and when the music stops, whatever chair you are sitting in is the chair you end up in." It was the most unromantic thing I had ever heard and I thought I would never be able to buy that line of thinking. While this approach provided a shortcut to finding a mate in an ambiguous dating culture, I doubted that in the long run it resulted in many happy, permanent matches.
Gen-Xers are accustomed to figure-it-out-as-you-go-along dating and seem to resist any early pressure in a relationship, no matter what phase of dating they might be in. The Gen-X approach gives men and women the ability to get in and out of their relationships as easily as they change their jobs or apartments. The lack of formal romantic cues give this generation freedom, but with that freedom often comes a price: the inability to decisively commit.
Excerpted from Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We're Still Single
by Jillian Straus. Published by Hyperion; February 2006; $21.95US/$29.95CAN;
1-4013-0132-0. Copyright © 2006 Jillian Straus. All rights reserved.
Available wherever books are sold.
Author
Jillian Straus spent eight years producing programs for The Oprah Winfrey Show, where she interviewed hundreds of men and women about their lives and their relationships. Prior to that, she worked for ABC News. She received a B.A. and an M.A. at the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University. Straus is currently a fellow of the Woodhull Institute for Ethical Leadership, training young women in communications. She lives in New York City.
For more information, please visit www.unhookedgeneration.com.
 
Money, A Memoir : Women, Emotions, and Cash by Liz Perle
posted by TheBroadroom.Net,
Thursday, January 05, 2006
at 4:27 PM (Pacific)
By Liz Perle
Henry Holt and Co. (January 24, 2006); ISBN: 080507712X
 From Publishers Weekly
Starred Review. In spite of women's supposedly massive buying power and growing presence in Fortune 500 boardrooms, many women are still awfully old-fashioned when it comes to cash. Why do they show so little interest in managing investments? Or lie to their partners about what something costs? And what's behind that evil prescription known as "retail therapy"? Perle (When Work Doesn't Work Anymore) investigates these questions and others in this remarkable sociological study-cum-memoir. She boldly exposes her own financial fears (the book opens as she's confronting a divorce and the reality that she and her four-year-old son will have to sleep on a friend's couch), admitting that, despite her years climbing the corporate ladder (in publishing, incidentally), "there's still that other part of me-the one that wants to reserve the option of depending on someone else." Perle also profiles dozens of everyday women, spotlighting the anxiety, embarrassment and guilt money causes them. Commentary from financial experts, sociologists and others helps demonstrate Perle's thesis: women cannot afford to be ambivalent about money and must learn to separate feelings from finance. Perle's book raises more questions than it answers, which is part of its allure-it'll surely have readers thinking twice before they log on to Bloomingdales.com after a bad day at work.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Surprising statistics on women and money...
- More women filed for bankruptcy in 2003 than graduated from college.
- 70% of all Americans (roughly 140 million people) say that they are carrying so much debt it is making their home lives unhappy.
- In 2003, more children lived through their parents' bankruptcies than divorces.
- Since 1981, the number of women filing petitions for bankruptcy has increased 662%.
- Having a child is now the single best indicator of financial collapse.
- According to one Cornell study, 10 trillion dollars will pass to baby boomers between now and 2040 in inheritance - the majority of inheritors will be women.
- Maybe money can buy love. A 2001 study revealed that people believed that spending more on Valentine's Day might bring more love. According to a nationwide survey of 1,800 people, the greater the investment, the higher the expected romantic return. Those who anticipated high romance planned to spend an average of $16 more than those with lower romantic expectations. Men outdid women, expecting to spend an average of $36 on their significant other, compared to the $26 women thought they would spend.
- 38% of women 30-55 years old are worried they will live at or near the poverty level because they cannot adequately save for retirement. The figure increases to 53% for women of color. For men, 33% face the same dilemma.
- 52% of women expect to continue to work once they reach retirement age, including 57% of Hispanic women.
- 54% of women have little to no money left to save for retirement once they pay their bills, rising to 62% among Hispanic women and 62% among African American women.
- Women aged 25 to 34 spend 84% more than average on women's clothes.
- Among women who live alone, spending peaks in the 25-54 age group. There are about 15 million women who live alone, 48% are over 65.
- 90% of married women identified themselves as the principal shopper in their household. Over 80% of women participate in the decision-making for purchases of vehicles, household appliances, television sets, and kitchen & cooking appliances. Over 70% participate in the decision-making for purchases of electric appliances, audio equipment, tools, and household furnishings.
- In 2003, women accounted for $55 billion of the $96 billion spent on electronic gear.
- Although less than half of the women are household heads, more than 8 out of 10 are principal shoppers.
- 40% of us still admit to lying to our partners about what something costs.
- When asked, 70% of men in one UC Irvine study felt they were entitled to earn more than any one else while a similar percentage of women said they should earn what others earned. But most revealing, 85% of men said they knew what they were worth. A similar number of women responded that they weren't sure.
- Today, young women aged 20-24 earn nearly 94% of men's salaries compared to women aged 45-54 who earn 75% of what men do.
- In 1940, two-thirds of the country consisted of all married couples in the United States adhered to the traditional model in which the man worked and the woman didn't. By 2002, that percentage had plummeted to 16%.
- According to the London Daily Telegraph, the number of women who underwent cosmetic operations rose by more than 50% between 2003 and 2004. And in America, cosmetic surgery on young women has risen steeply and steadily for the past decade. Between 2002 and 2003 alone, the number of girls eighteen years old and younger who got breast implants nearly tripled according to the American Society for Plastic Surgery.
- In the last decade alone, more than $8 trillion transferred to a younger generation - more than 55% of which went to women.
- Americans save somewhere around 1% of our wages --less than any other industrialized nation.
- On average, we live seven years longer than our husbands and over three quarters of all women are widowed at an average age of 56. Women comprise a horrifying 87% of the impoverished elderly.
- One survey from the National Center for Women and Retirement showed that of those women who say they feel in control of their lives, 56% of them saved and invested monthly. Of the 42% who said they felt out of control, only 17% made saving and investing for retirement a priority. There's a direct correlation between how well a woman takes care of herself financially and how well she feels about herself.
- Women make 62% of all car purchases. We take 50% of all business trips. We control more than 50% of all personal wealth in this country.
- 61% of all part-time workers are women with little or no access to 401K plans.
- Women routinely don't save enough to survive on when they become widows - which 50% of us will be by the age of 60.
- According to a 2004 report released by the Federal Reserve, only 35 percent of single women had retirement accounts, and only 8 percent had traditional pensions.
- In September of 1958, credit cards arrived uninvited in the mailboxes of some sixty thousand residents of Fresno, California. By the end of 1959, there were two million credit cards circulating in California alone.
- 55% of married women bring in half of the household income and 25% now out earn their spouses.
Balanced Decorating by Lauri Ward
posted by TheBroadroom.Net,
at 4:07 PM (Pacific)
Below is an article by Lauri Ward, author of the new book Home Therapy: Fast, Easy, Affordable Makeovers.
by Lauri Ward
 Think about it. Have you ever worn a sandal on one foot and a boot on the other? No? Then have you tried wearing a black leather glove on one hand with a red wool mitten on the other? Okay, probably not. Since our bodies have lots of pairs we tend to feel most comfortable when we wear matching pieces of clothing or accessories. Doing that gives our physical appearance the symmetry to which we all innately gravitate. The same concept applies to our homes. Every room looks better and feels more balanced if it is decorated with matching pairs.
One of the most common complaints I hear from my clients is, "My home needs help. Nothing feels pulled together!" The reason is simple: Most people aren't aware of the importance of balance when it comes to interior decorating. They may obsess about finding the perfect paint, the furniture style that truly represents their personality, or the fabric that will wear best on their sofas and chairs. And yet, it never occurs to them that adding pairs to their house or apartment will make the space feel less chaotic.
And it is not just my clients who are seeking more tranquility. All across the country the trend toward creating a more Zen-like environment has been gaining momentum over the course of the last decade. People are paring down their possessions in an attempt to create a more relaxing environment. They want to be able to roll out their yoga mat and stretch, and then sit down comfortably to meditate without being distracted. They want to be mindful of their breathing, not the decorating dilemmas that make them uncomfortable in their own home.
If you think your rooms are not as good-looking as you would like but you haven't been able to figure out what is wrong with them, chances are your place is off-balance. Fortunately, there are a number of ways you can fix this common mistake without spending money.
Start by reuniting any pairs you have separated. Just remember: couples belong together. If you have separated pairs of any kind -- for example, putting one in the living room and the other in the bedroom -- get them back together in the room where they will look their best and be most functional. And don't be afraid that if you add lots of pairs, your room will be boring. I have used up to twenty pairs in a very large room and they looked fabulous. Just remember "Imelda's Rule:" you can never have too many pairs. (And, no, displaying lots of shoes doesn't count!)
If, for example, you have one standing metal lamp next to the sofa in your living room and its mate is in the den, bring the pair of lamps together and place them at either end of your sofa. Or, if you have a pair of table lamps, that have been separated, display them on matching end tables. Doing that will automatically make your room look and feel more balanced, will improve the general lighting, and will provide an additional place for someone to sit and read comfortably.
Keep in mind that any pair, no matter what kind it is, will help balance a room. If you don't happen to have any to work with, you can sometimes create a pair. For example, if you have two different brass lamps and you want them to look like a pair, simply add new, matching shades. The fresh shades will fool the eye into thinking they are a pair. And if one lamp is a bit shorter than the other just place a few large art books underneath the shorter one until the tops of both lamps are level with each other. Voilà, you have a pair!
Some other ways to add pairs: Flank a sofa with a pair of chairs to create a balanced and intimate U-shaped conversation area or place the chairs side by side across from the sofa to provide an easy, face-to-face place to chat. Display a pair of urns or a pair of vases on top of a fireplace mantle or add balance with a pair of prints, framed identically and hung side by side. Pairs of figurines, candlesticks, bookends -- you probably have lots of pairs around your house that you can use to add balance to your rooms.
Remember Noah who was told by a higher authority to get two of every kind of animal for his ark? Well, take it from the top: Bring the pairs you already have together and you will quickly and easily make your house or apartment feel balanced and more restful without having to buy new furnishings.
Copyright © 2005 Lauri Ward
Author:
Lauri Ward, the author of Home Therapy (September 22, 2005; Putnam; $34.95US/$49.00CAN; 0-399-15296-2), Use What You Have® Decorating and Trade Secrets from Use What You Have® Decorating, is the founder of Use What You Have®, Inc., and the Interior Refiners Network®. She has appeared frequently on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Today, and ABC Evening News, among other programs, and on HGTV, the Discovery Channel, and Fox television. Ward, who has been featured in The New York Times, House Beautiful, Elle, Inspired House, and other magazines and newspapers, lives in New York City and Boca Raton, Florida. Visit her website at www.redecorate.com.
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